It's funny that I used to blog anything and everything. I was so open. Fearless, even. I said what I felt no matter what it was or who was going to read it. And I'm not sure what happened or when it happened, but I've become the opposite of fearless and open. It's weird. Somewhere along the line... I kind of lost my voice. Not just in terms of blogging, but in life. It's like I don't speak anymore... but not only that... it's that I feel like I can't. Isn't that weird? There are literally times in my life where I have sentences formed in my head, and I physically can't say them out loud. I don't know what's holding me back or why I have such a fear of speaking. I mean, I have memories in which I spoke up and was made fun of, ignored, or my words were used against me. But did those occurances really condition me to stop speaking? Or is it something else?
I sound unhappy or depressed or something. But I'm not! I'm happy and a lot of exciting things are happening in my life right now. In three weeks I'll be moving back to Tucson, and despite feeling sad about leaving my friends here, I really am looking forward to it so much. But for quite some time now, I'm just... closed off. I don't open up to anyone the way I used to. Even Peter--I feel like I don't let him know me as well as he could or should. And that's terrible! I want to change. I really want to be so genuine and sincere and transparent, but I don't know how. I guess I'm hoping that if I start writing again, something will just come out and magically cure me from this creepy wall around my thoughts, feelings, and words.
Wish me luck.
